Pregnancy and Nutrition

More foods can affect your health or your baby's than you might realize. Find out what foods to avoid during pregnancy

You want what's best for your baby. That's why you add sliced fruit to your fortified breakfast cereal, top your salads with chickpeas and snack on almonds. But do you know what foods to avoid during pregnancy?
 

Start with the basics in pregnancy nutrition. Understanding what foods to avoid during pregnancy can help you make the healthiest choices for you and your baby.
 

Avoid seafood high in mercury
 

Seafood can be a great source of protein, and the omega-3 fatty acids in many fish can promote your baby's brain and eye development. However, some fish and shellfish contain potentially dangerous levels of mercury. Too much mercury could harm your baby's developing nervous system.
 

The bigger and older the fish, the more mercury it's likely to contain. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) encourage pregnant women to avoid:

• Swordfish
• Shark
• King mackerel
• Tilefish

So what's safe? Some types of seafood contain little mercury. Although concerns have been raised about the level of mercury in any type of canned tuna, the FDA and EPA say pregnant women can safely eat up to 12 ounces (340 grams) a week. Similarly, the 2010 Dietary Guidelines for Americans recommend 8 to 12 ounces — two average meals — of seafood a week for pregnant women. 

Consider:

• Shrimp
• Canned light tuna (limit albacore tuna and tuna steaks to no more than 6 ounces, or 170 grams, a week)
• Salmon
• Pollock
• Catfish
• Anchovies
• Trout

Not all researchers agree with these limits, however, citing a study that noted no negative effects for women who ate more seafood than the FDA-approved guidelines.
 

Avoid raw, undercooked or contaminated seafood
 

To avoid harmful bacteria or viruses in seafood:

• Avoid raw fish and shellfish. Examples include sushi, sashimi, and raw oysters, scallops or clams.
• Avoid refrigerated, uncooked seafood. Examples include seafood labeled nova style, lox, kippered, smoked or jerky. It's OK to eat smoked seafood if it's an ingredient in a casserole or other cooked dish. Canned and shelf-stable versions also are safe.
• Understand local fish advisories. If you eat fish from local waters, pay attention to local fish advisories — especially if water pollution is a concern. If advice isn't available, limit the amount of fish from local waters you eat to 6 ounces (170 grams) a week and don't eat other fish that week.
• Cook seafood properly. Cook fish to an internal temperature of 145 F (63 C). Fish is done when it separates into flakes and appears opaque throughout. Cook shrimp, lobster and scallops until they're milky white. Cook clams, mussels and oysters until their shells open. Discard any that don't open.

Avoid undercooked meat, poultry and eggs
 

During pregnancy, you're at increased risk of bacterial food poisoning. Your reaction might be more severe than if you weren't pregnant. Rarely, food poisoning affects the baby, too.
 

To prevent foodborne illness:

• Fully cook all meats and poultry before eating. Use a meat thermometer to make sure.
• Cook hot dogs and luncheon meats until they're steaming hot — or avoid them completely. They can be sources of a rare but potentially serious foodborne illness known as listeriosis.
• Avoid refrigerated pates and meat spreads. Canned and shelf-stable versions, however, are OK.
• Cook eggs until the egg yolks and whites are firm. Raw eggs can be contaminated with harmful bacteria. Avoid foods made with raw or partially cooked eggs, such as eggnog, raw batter, and freshly made or homemade hollandaise sauce and Caesar salad dressing.

Avoid unpasteurized foods
 

Many low-fat dairy products — such as skim milk, mozzarella cheese and cottage cheese — can be a healthy part of your diet. Anything containing unpasteurized milk, however, is a no-no. These products could lead to foodborne illness. Avoid soft cheeses, such as Brie, feta and blue cheese, unless they are clearly labeled as being pasteurized or made with pasteurized milk. Also, avoid drinking unpasteurized juice.

These are some great guidelines to follow when it comes to nutrition for your growing baby. However, it is always wise to consult your doctor when it comes to your diet.

Pregnancy and Exercise

Pregnancy might seem like the perfect time to sit back and relax. You might feel more tired than usual, your back might ache, and your ankles might be swollen.
 

But guess what? There's more to pregnancy and exercise than skipping it entirely. Unless you're experiencing serious complications, sitting around won't help. In fact, pregnancy can be a great time to get active — even if you haven't exercised in a while.
 

Why Exercise During Pregnancy?
 

During pregnancy, exercise can:

• Ease or prevent back pain and other discomforts
• Boost your mood and energy levels
• Help you sleep better
• Prevent excess weight gain
• Increase stamina and muscle strength

Exercise during pregnancy might also reduce the risk of gestational diabetes and pregnancy-related high blood pressure, as well as lessen the symptoms of postpartum depression. In addition, it might reduce the risk that your baby is born significantly larger than average (fetal macrosomia).
 

Pregnancy and exercise: Getting the OK
 

Before you begin an exercise program, make sure you have your health care provider's OK. Although exercise during pregnancy is generally good for both mother and baby, your doctor might advise you not to exercise if you have:

• Some forms of heart and lung disease
• Pregnancy-related high blood pressure
• Cervical problems
• Vaginal bleeding
• Preterm labor during your pregnancy or risk factors for preterm labor, such as preterm labor during the pregnancy prior to your current pregnancy
• A multiple pregnancy at risk of preterm labor

Pacing it for Pregnancy

For most pregnant women, at least 30 minutes of moderate exercise is recommended on most, if not all, days of the week.
 

Walking is a great exercise for beginners. It provides moderate aerobic conditioning with minimal stress on your joints. Other good choices include swimming, low-impact aerobics and cycling on a stationary bike. Strength training is OK, too, as long as you avoid lifting very heavy weights.
 

Remember to warm up and cool down. Drink plenty of fluids to stay hydrated, and be careful to avoid overheating. In general, you should be able to carry on a conversation while you're exercising. If you can't speak normally while you're working out, you're probably pushing yourself too hard.

How to Adopt

After you have finished applying to adopt and are in the process of completing your home study, you will have a period of waiting. During this time, your caseworker will be finishing background checks and verifying the various pieces of information you have provided.
 

Typically, the above steps conclude with a written home study report reflecting your caseworker's findings. These findings will determine whether you’re eligible to adopt. These findings will often include the age range and number of children recommended for your family along with the conditions and characteristics of the children that you want, and the caseworker concurs, that you can successfully integrate into your family. This decision may take some time as it’s done on a case-by-case basis unless there is a criminal record or overriding safety concern that would preclude an agency from approving your home study.
 

Ready to take the next step?
 

Once your home study is finalized and you have been approved to adopt, the search begins for being matched with a child.

If you’re not approved or able to adopt at this point in your journey, consider other
ways to help children in foster care.

Stay in Contact With Your Caseworker

While your caseworker finishes background checks and verifying other information in your application to adopt, it’s good to keep in contact with them so you can readily provide answers to follow-up questions.
 

If you have concerns about something specific that might disqualify you from adopting, now is the time to talk with your caseworker about it. Some agencies may be able to work with your family, depending on the specifics of the incident and its resolution. It’s best to be honest and upfront about anything that could be a cause for concern. Aside from a criminal record or overriding safety concerns that would preclude agencies from approving your home study, the decision to qualify your family is made on a case-by-case basis. If your caseworker finds you to be deceptive or dishonest, or if documents collected during the home study process expose inconsistencies, the agency may not approve your home study.
 

Ask to Review a Copy of Your Home Study

Home studies are used to introduce your family to other agencies, adoption exchanges, and to the caseworkers for the children you express interest in adopting. The home study report lets child caseworkers at these agencies and exchanges know you have been approved to adopt. It also provides information on what your family can offer a child. For example, your home study might say that your home is wheelchair accessible or that you’re very interested in adopting a sibling group.
 

If you aren’t given a copy of your home study, you should ask to see it so you can look it over and correct any inaccuracies. Depending on the agency you work with and the child you want to adopt, this information could be shared with birth parents or others. If you have questions or concerns about the confidentiality of your information, verify with your agency how extensively it will be shared.
 

If you’re not ready or able to become licensed to adopt after the completion of your home study, find other ways to help children in foster care.

Network While You Wait

While waiting to become approved to adopt, you may have a hard time understanding why it takes so long to complete the paperwork, or are concerned about what will be put on the record about you and your household.

Now is a good time to find your local foster care and adoption support group  or network with other foster and adoptive parents. These are great sources of support and encouragement, and can help you pass the time while you wait.

Find Other Way to Help Children in Foster Care

If you’re not ready or able to be approved for adoption at this time, please consider other ways to help children in foster care. You have valuable abilities that can be put to work for children, such as being a community volunteer, respite worker, office assistant, tutor or mentor to teens, babysitter, or assistant recruiter. Discuss these options and others with your caseworker.

Carrying High & Down the Drain

If you're carrying high, it's a girl. Oh, sure, this is true. Just like if you refuse to eat the heel of a loaf of bread, then you're having a girl. It's a boy if your hands are dry. It's a girl if you crave orange juice. And it's a boy if your feet are cold.

"Everyone wants to offer their opinion," says Lyuba Konopasek, M.D., a pediatrician at New York Presbyterian Weill Cornell Medical Center. "When I was pregnant, I had all kinds of people on the street tell me the gender of my baby-to-be."

While there is absolutely no truth to the carrying high or low wives' tale, says Jonathan Schaffir, M.D., an assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Ohio State University, the myth persists because "you have a 50-50 chance of being right." The only thing carrying high means is that it is probably your first pregnancy. The girdle-like muscles that hold the uterus against the spine and keep the baby high above the pelvis become more elastic with each pregnancy, so the belly may hang lower each time (you may start showing earlier, too).

The stuff that unclogs your drains can also predict the sex of your baby. Of all the more modern-day old wives' tales relating to pregnancy and, more specifically, gender prediction, the oddest might be the one connected to Drano, the well-known consumer product that unclogs sinks. Supposedly, if one mixes it with urine, it can determine the sex of your baby. If you pour it down the toilet, and it turns blue, you have a boy; pink, it's a girl.

Susan Skinner, C.N.M., a nurse midwife at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, says that the Drano old wives' tale has been around "for at least 20 years. I actually tried it just for fun with my last one." The all-knowing Drano told Skinner she would have a girl; she had a boy. So, just like carrying high can't predict your baby's gender, neither can the clog-removing power of Drano. Plus, the company advises consumers not to use their product in toilets.

Heartburn & Food Cravings

Have a lot of heartburn? Your baby will be born with a lot of hair. No. Well, yes. But no. Yes, you may have a lot of heartburn, and your baby may have a lot of hair, but, no, there's no connection between the two. And while it might sound silly to even believe that there would be, this is a widely believed myth. It probably came about because pregnant women generally experience heartburn, sometimes a lot of it, and many babies are born with hair. Somebody likely made the connection, and the myth has stuck. But it's completely false. Author Vicki Iovine said it best in her book, The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy, when she adamantly maintained, "No matter what people try to tell you, heartburn does not mean that your baby will be born with lots of hair. I had heartburn so badly in all four of my pregnancies that I could spit fire, and all my kids were born as bald as Uncle Fester."

If you crave ice cream your body needs calcium. Oh, it's pineapple you crave? Pickles perhaps? While it's true that the changing hormones of pregnancy can make women have strong cravings, and even crave foods that they never before liked, the cravings don't really mean that your baby is trying to tell you something. "People think that if they want a type of food, the baby must want it," says Dr. Schaffir. But sadly, he says, that notion is just an old wives' tale -- one that could have unhealthy consequences: "Women can overeat and gain too much weight."

There are, however, some women who crave laundry detergent, paint chips, or clay. These odd cravings (called pica) have been associated with iron deficiency, says Dr. Schaffir, and you should talk to your doctor immediately if you experience them.

Other than that exception, he adds, "if you want carrots, it doesn't mean you need vitamin A." Just take your daily prenatal vitamin and indulge your cravings in moderation.

Taking Baths & Taking Walks

Taking a bath can drown your fetus. "The lungs of fetuses are already full of water, so they can't drown," chuckles Dr. Konopasek. "Babies get their oxygen through the mother's placenta," she explains. Plus, water can't enter the amniotic sac from outside anyway. "So it's impossible to 'drown' a baby in utero."

In fact, you may be giving your baby a treat when you take a bath. In a tub, says Skinner, moms-to-be have more buoyancy, and the baby might feel more free to move.

But don't grab the soap yet. Baths are fine, provided the water isn't simmering. The water temperature should not go over 98°F to reduce the risk of birth defects, which is why you should definitely avoid hot tubs. Solution: Simply check the temperature of the water before stepping in, advises Skinner.

Walking induces labor.

 "It's hard to know exactly how this myth started," says Dr. Schaffir, "but I think the impression is that gravity will make the baby come down." In this case, however, the pull of gravity is not powerful enough.

"It won't hurt anything," Skinner says of walking. "In one study, women reported that walking made them feel more comfortable, but it doesn't induce labor." Dr. Schaffir says that there are a lot of beliefs revolving around inducing labor, including having sex, drinking herbal tea, exercising -- and then it just goes downhill from there -- being frightened, drinking castor oil, using a laxative, and getting an enema. Says Schaffir: "Sex is one of the only ones with some scientific evidence; it may induce contractions because of a substance found in sperm."

Cats & Drinking Milk

Cats have a natural urge to smother babies.

And have you heard that cats can suck the oxygen out of newborns? The gossip and innuendo around cats is largely unfounded, but there is some actual truth to all of this.

"Cats are not going to suck the breath from your baby, and they're not going to purposefully sit on your baby," promises Bernadine Cruz, D.V.M., a veterinarian at the Laguna Hills Animal Hospital in California. But she does say that cats are hedonists and enjoy the pleasures of life. "They will seek out all the comforts that they can -- the sunbeam when they're cold and the softest place to sleep when they're tired." If the warmest, softest spot in the house happens to be right next to your child, she adds, your cat will not hesitate to hunker down -- and that might just be too close for comfort.

Dr. Cruz suggests training your kitty to stay away from a crib or bassinet and making sure that the cat has an alternative comfortable place to sleep.

In fact, felines pose a greater risk to pregnant women. Cats can carry a parasite that causes toxoplasmosis, a disease which infects multiple organs in the fetus and causes anything from deafness to respiratory problems. The most common way to get the disease is to handle your cat's feces after it has been lying around for about 48 hours. The easiest way to stay safe: Make your husband clean the litter box while you relax!

Drinking milk will stimulate breast milk. Uh, no. But drinking liquids in general does help, says Gary Edelstein, M.D., a pediatrician at Columbia-Presbyterian Eastside in New York City. "Certainly, a lot of what the mother ingests goes into her breast milk, but milk, over any other type of liquid, doesn't make a difference in the amount she produces."
Nursing & Boiling Water

You can't get pregnant while nursing. False, mostly. Women who breastfeed are less likely to ovulate, menstruate, and become pregnant, but ovulation can begin again at any time, leaving moms at risk, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. "It's not an effective means of birth control," says Dr. Edelstein.

Melissa Meyer can vouch for that. During the time that the Chandler, Arizona, stay-at-home mom was nursing her then 10-month-old son, she and her husband believed they were completely safe. "We were lucky that it didn't happen earlier," laughs Meyer, whose doctor prescribed birth control when she nursed her second son, now 5.

When a woman is in labor, boil water.

Throughout television history, when the time to head to the hospital comes, the dad is a frazzled mess. The couple's close friends -- from Fred and Ethel to Joey and Chandler -- collide into each other in their attempts to help the mom-to-be. And through it all is almost always the rallying cry: "Boil water!" But should you actually do that?

If you're stuck at home, then asking your partner to boil water may not be a bad idea, admits Skinner. "Some say it's done to sterilize the equipment. But, really, it's to give the men something to do. It's a way to keep them busy."

Things Adoptive Dads Need to Teach Their Kids

Father’s Day is a time to reflect on the joys - some heartwarming, some not so much - of being a Father. It’s a time to think about how fast your little one is growing up and take stock of all that you have taught and still have left to teach. This article by Tom Burns lays out some pretty good guidelines on what’s important when it comes to things a Dad should be teaching his kids. We hope you enjoy it as much as we did! Feel free to comment with your own ideas about what kids to learn from Dear Old Dad.

Written by Tom Burns for The Good Men Project

When I first became a parent, I found myself either constantly giving or receiving advice. Potty training, co-sleeping, TV time -- there are hundreds of conflicting opinions out there about every parenting-related topic. However, when my really good friends become parents for the first time, there are certain pieces of advice that immediately jump to the top, nuggets of wisdom that I mention before all others. Some are philosophical, some are mundane in the extreme. But when I sit down and really think about being a parent, these are 25 of the most important lessons that I think any dad (or any parent for that matter) would definitely want to pass on to their kids.

1. Winning is fun, but it teaches you nothing. Failure is the best teacher in the world. Winning is a trophy, failing is an education.
 

2. The key to surviving failure is to not take it personally. This is why video games make great educational tools. Mario doesn’t rage at the world when he fails to jump over a pit. He just starts back at the beginning and tries again until he figures out how to rescue that princess.
 

3. Ketchup is for French fries and hamburgers. Never hot dogs. That’s why the universe invented mustard.
 

4. Lying to protect someone’s feelings isn’t lying. It’s called empathy.
 

5. All the best stuff happens in the dark. Fireworks, movies, trick-or-treating, roasting marshmallows, Space Mountain. Try to remember that when you hear a noise in your closet at night.
 

6. Grown-ups don’t know everything. Most of us are just trying our hardest and faking it as best we can.
 

7. If a grown-up, corporation, religion, teacher, boss, and/or significant other tells you that they, in fact, do know everything, that they speak the absolute truth, that’s called fundamentalism, which is a fancy way of saying that they’re lying.
 

8. Even though, yes, I just admitted that I don’t know everything, pointing that out when we’re arguing is never going to work in your favor.
 

9. When you’re doing laundry, read the labels on your clothes. When in doubt, wash everything in cold.
 

10. One day, in the future, during a job interview, someone will ask you “What’s your greatest weakness?” This isn’t an invitation to be honest. This is a test to see how well you can answer a stupid question.
 

11. Almost everything in life is better in moderation, particularly TV, water parks, the Internet, and Twizzlers.
 

12. Want to prove to me you’re a big kid? Make it through a two-hour movie in the theater without squirming or complaining. Want to take it to the next level? Make it to the eighth inning of a baseball game.
 

13. Yes, everyone is going to die one day. And, yes, that really sucks.
 

14. No, I don’t know what happens after we die. But that’s a fascinating question. Keep asking fascinating questions.
 

15. I’ll tell you this -- I promise you will never be alone and, even after you die, we will always be together. And there is no one in heaven or on Earth who can prove that that isn’t true.
 

16. Farting is always funny. Even at the dinner table. Actually, especially at the dinner table.
 

17. Good rule to live by: If they look like they’re fine, it’s OK to laugh. If they’re really hurt, shut up and help.
 

18. Ignoring race and class doesn’t mean that you’re enlightened. It just means that you’re good at ignoring things.
 

19. Debt is evil and oppressive. If you’re going to go into debt for something, make sure it’s worth it.
 

20. On a related topic, a college education is worthless if you don’t know how to properly use an apostrophe with the letter “s.”
 

21. Science both answers questions and keeps discovering new questions to ask. This is why science is awesome.
 

22. As far as anyone knows, Santa Claus and vampires might actually exist. The world is a much more interesting place if you accept the fact that, yes, there really could be a Monster at the End of This Book.
 

23. You can be mad at someone and still love them at the same time. This can be very confusing.
 

24. Talking about abstract things is important. Having big, wild conversations about concepts like art, music, time travel, and dreams makes it much easier when you’ll eventually need to talk about things like anger, sadness, pain, and love.
 

25. Every dad needs to teach his kids the lyrics to “The Diarrhea Song.” During a long family car trip… But only when they’re ready

History of Father's Day

Earliest History of Father's Day
 

Scholars believe that the origin of Father's Day is not a latest phenomenon, as many believe it to be. Rather they claim that the tradition of Father's Day can be traced in the ruins of Babylon. They have recorded that a young boy called Elmesu carved a Father's Day message on a card made out of clay nearly 4,000 years ago. Elmesu wished his Babylonian father good health and a long life. Though there is no record of what happened to Elmesu and his father but the tradition of celebrating Father's Day remained in several countries all over the world.

History of Father's Day in US
 

Modern version of Father's Day celebration originated in United States of America and thereafter the tradition spread in countries around the world. The world owes thanks to Ms Sonora Louise Smart Dodd, a loving daughter from Spokane, Washington as it is because of her struggle that Father's Day saw the light of the day.

The idea of Father's Day celebration originated in Sonora's mind when she listened to a Mother's Day sermon in 1909. Fairly mature at the age 27, Sonora pondered if there is a day to honor mother then why not for father? Sonora felt strongly for fathers because of the affection she received from her own father Mr William Jackson Smart, a Civil War veteran. Sonora's mother died while childbirth when she was just 16. Mr Smart raised the newborn and five other children with love and care.

Inspired by Ms Anna Jarvis's struggle to promote Mother's Day, Ms Dodd began a rigorous campaign to celebrate Father's Day in US. The Spokane Ministerial Association and the local Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA) supported Sonora's cause. As a result Spokane celebrated its first Father's Day on June 19, 1910. Though there was initial hesitation the idea gained gradual popularity all over US and Fathers Day came to be celebrated in cities across the country.

Looking at the heightened popularity of Father's Day in US, President Woodrow Wilson approved of this idea in 1916. President Calvin Coolidge too supported the idea of a national Father's Day in 1924 to, "establish more intimate relations between fathers and their children and to impress upon fathers the full measure of their obligations". After a protracted struggle of over four decades, President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the third Sunday of June as Father's Day in 1966. Then in 1972, President Richard Nixon established a permanent national observance of Father's Day to be held on the third Sunday of June. Sonora Smart Dodd was honored for her contribution at the World's Fair in Spokane in 1974. Mrs. Dodd died in 1978 at age 96.

Other Theories of Fathers Day Origin
 

There are several theories behind the origination of Father's Day.
 

Some believe that the first Fathers Day church service was held in West Virginia in 1908.
 

Others opine that the ceremony was first held in Vancouver, Washington.
 

The president of Lions' Club, Chicago, Harry Meek is said to have celebrated the first Father's Day with his organization in 1915 to stress on the need to honor fathers. He selected third Sunday in June for celebration, the closest date to Meek's own birthday. In appreciation for Meek's work, the Lions 

Clubs of America presented him with a gold watch, with the inscription "Originator of Father's Day," on his birthday, June 20, 1920.
 

Some historians honor Mrs. Charles Clayton of West Virginia, as the Founder of Father's Day.
 

In 1957, Senator Margaret Chase Smith wrote Congress that, "Either we honor both our parents, mother and father, or let us desist from honoring either one. But to single out just one of our two parents and omit the other is the most grievous insult imaginable."
 

In countries where Catholic Church holds greater influence Father's Day is celebrated on St. Joseph's Day (March 19).
 

Present Day Celebrations

Father's Day Festival has gained amazing popularity over the years. The festival is considered to be a secular one and is celebrated not just in US but in a large number of countries around the world including Argentina, Australia, Belgium, Brazil, France, Germany, Japan, New Zealand, Norway and India though on different dates. World over people take Father's Day as an opportunity to thank father and pay tribute to them. On this day children present Father's Day cards not just to their dads but also grandfathers, uncles, stepfathers or any other person who commands the position of a father in their life. There is also a trend to present Father's Day gift to dad, most popular of all being necktie. Other popular gift being roses, the official Father's Day flower. Many people rue that the trend of presenting gifts to fathers has led to over commercialization of the festival relegating the noble idea behind Father's Day celebration.

Happy Father's Day!

With Father’s Day this weekend, it is so important that we recognize the men who have helped bring lives into the world. Whether you are a birth father, an adoptive father, or stepfather, you have had a major part in someone’s future.
 

Below are some quotes, funny ones and sweet ones, that reflect how many of us feel about the great men in our lives. Feel free to share a favorite quote or saying from your own family!
 

1. “I’ve had a hard life, but my hardships are nothing against the hardships that my father went through in order to get me to where I started.”
– Bartrand Hubbard
 

2. “Dads are most ordinary men turned by love into heroes, adventures, story-tellers, and singers of songs.”
– Pam Brown
 

3. “My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, ‘You’re tearing up the grass.’ ‘We’re not raising grass,’ Dad would reply. ‘We’re raising boys.’”
– Harmon Killebrew
 

4. “It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons.”
– Johann Friedrich von Schiller
 

5. “One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.”
– George Herbert
 

6. “[He] adopted a role called Being a Father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important: a Protector.”
– Tom Wolfe
 

7. “[My father] didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”
– Clarence B. Kelland
 

8. “To a small child, the perfect granddad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word ‘boo.’”
– Robert Brault

9. “When my father didn’t have my hand . . . he had my back.”
– Linda Poindexter

10. “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”
– Bill Cosby
 

11. “A grandfather is someone with silver in his hair and gold in his heart.”
– Unknown
 

12. “By choice, we have become a family, first in our hearts, and finally in breath and being. Great expectations are good; great experiences are better.”
– Richard Fischer
 

13. “Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever.”
– Unknown
 

14. “My father gave me the greatest gift anyone can give another person, he believed in me.”
– Jim Valvano
 

15. “Nothing I’ve ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.”
– Bill Cosby
 

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Marriage After Adoption

Decide with your spouse how you will communicate with your child about his/her adoption
 

In the past, a child’s adoption was often kept secret from the child. In the case of cross-racial or older child adoptions, secrecy is not an option. Even when it is possible to conceal a child’s adoption, most experts advise against it. Not telling a child about his or her adoption can create a sense that there is something shameful about the situation. Moreover, as friends and family are generally aware of the adoption, there is always the possibility that someone will slip up and say something.

Be age-appropriate in your communications to your child about his/her adoption—you don’t have to explain everything about the adoption in one sitting. Be prepared to communicate more fully with your child about his/her adoption at various stages of development.
 

Decide with your spouse how much you will share with your child about his/her birth parents
 

Depending on the nature of the adoption, you may be aware of details about your child’s birth family. A young child does not need to necessarily need to know all the available details about his or her birth parents, particularly if those details include factors like physical abuse, rape, addiction, etc. However, some children are prone to romanticizing their birth parents, especially during times of conflict with their adoptive parents. For this reason, it may be best to communicate (in an age-appropriate fashion) about some of the realities of your child’s birth parents. While alluding to certain poor life decisions, you can affirm your child’s birth parents’ decision to place their child in an adoptive home as a loving and responsible act.

Help your child adjust
 

Particularly when adopting older children or children from other countries, try to maintain some cultural and environmental continuity to help your child transition. Familiar foods, clothing and toys can provide reassurance. Let your child become well acquainted with his/her new home and immediate family before introducing him/her to large social gatherings.

Be mindful of—but not paranoid about—the impact of adoption
 

Some adopted children—particularly those adopted later in life or from abusive or addictive families—may have a higher risk of development issues or emotional disturbances. However, be careful to not interpret ordinary childhood behaviors as abnormal, merely because your child is adopted. All children act out or withdraw at some point. Also remember that “attachment” in older children usually looks different than attachment in younger children. The fact that your recently adopted eight-year-old doesn’t want to snuggle with you may have less to do with attachment issues and more with his/her age.

Foster emotional security
 

All children, adopted or otherwise, need clear assurances that they are loved—and that their parents’ love is unconditional and unwavering. Be conscious of the fact that, as an adopted child, your son or daughter may need these assurances even more. Just don’t go overboard by constantly affirming your devotion to the point that it begins to sound insincere. Consistency—both in discipline and affection—demonstrates your love to your child and creates an emotionally-safe environment.

Find a support network
 

A strong support network is crucial for all new parents. Connecting with other adoptive couples can be a great way to process through the unique considerations involved with adoption. Your adoption agency may be able to help you find other adoptive couples in similar situations.

Have your spouse’s back
 

All children inevitably pit one parent against each other. And it is easy to neglect your marriage amid the chaos of child rearing. But a strong, unified marriage is one of the best gifts you can give your child, so protect it. Have regular date nights and remember that you are a parenting team.

Fostering a Child

Children who need foster families have been removed from their birth family homes for reasons of neglect, abuse, abandonment, or other issues endangering their health and/or safety. Many of these children are filled with fear, anger, confusion, or a sense of powerlessness at having been removed from the only home they have ever known. Many are sibling groups, older children, or young teens. Some have developmental, physical, emotional, or behavioral problems.

They all need safe, supportive environments.

Can you?

These are questions to ask yourself before taking the next step:

• Can you love and care for a child who has come from a difficult background?
• Can you help a child develop a sense of belonging in your home even though the stay is temporary?
• Can you love a child who, because of a fear of rejection, does not easily love you back?
• Are you secure in yourself and your parenting skills?
• Can you set clear limits, and be both firm and understanding in your discipline?
• Do you view bed-wetting, lying, defiance, and minor destructiveness as symptoms of a child in need?
• Can you tolerate major failures and small successes?
• Can you accept assistance and guidance from trained social workers?
• Can you maintain a positive attitude toward a child's parents; even though many of the problems the child is experiencing is a direct result of the parent's actions?
• Can you love with all of your heart and then let go?

Financial Assistance

All states offer financial support. The amount varies from state to state, but in all cases, you must be able to prove that your current family needs can be met without having to use any of this income. Many states also offer clothing, daycare and/or day camp allowances. Check foster care rates and requirements in your state.

Other Requirements

Requirements to become a foster parent vary from state to state, but this list from the National Foster Parent Association covers the basics. Be sure to check with the Foster Care Specialist (or equivalent) in your state or province for detailed information.

• Be at least 21 years old.
• Have enough room (and beds) in your home for a foster child to sleep and keep his or her belongings.
• Live in a home that can meet basic fire, safety and sanitary standards.
• Be physically and emotionally capable of caring for children and have no alcohol or drug abuse problems.Be able to pass a criminal background check and have no substantiated record of abusing or neglecting children.
• Make enough money to provide for your own family, so you do not need to depend on the foster care reimbursement you receive from the state as income.

Pre-placement training is required to help prepare prospective parents for issues that can arise after a child or sibling group is placed with them. Many children bring not only unique special needs, but a history of life experiences that may affect interactions with foster parents, other children in the family, school mates, and others. Issues related to disability, culture, early abuse, birth family members, etc., should be discussed with your social worker to your satisfaction.

Adoption and Divorce: Facts and Fantasy

Myth: The divorce will make the adoption null and void automatically, and we will lose our child.
 

Fact: No. Divorce can and often does affect the status of a foster care placement, but it has no legal effect on a finalized adoption. Once adopted, a child is your child legally just as if he or she had been born to you. If your adoption has not yet been finalized, it will be up to the court to decide if one or both parents should be allowed to finalize the placement as the marriage dissolves. The recommendation of the adoption agency will be an important factor in the decision. If you wish to finalize the adoption as a single parent, make sure the agency knows this.

Myth: Adoptive parents are more likely to divorce.
 

Fact: There is no evidence to support this and in fact, there is reason to believe that the opposite is true. Adoptive parents undergo a great deal of scrutiny individually and as a couple during the homestudy process. If a marriage is on shaky ground, the agency will recommend against adoption and reject the application. Further, most adoptive and many foster parents have experienced infertility and have longed for and struggled emotionally and financially to become parents. If the marriage survives the stress of infertility, it is logical to assume that the adoptive parents will work very hard to keep the marriage and the family intact.

Myth: The non-custodial parent can pay less child support if the child is receiving adoption subsidy assistance.
 

Fact: No. Federal law says that assistance is the child's entitlement based on disability and has nothing to do with parental income or support. The adoption subsidy program is designed to help offset some of the costs associated with special needs. It was never designed to be a substitute for typical parental support during or after marriage. NACAC, the North American Council on Adoptable Children, offers free literature on this subject.

Myth: If I divorce, I won't be able to adopt again.
 

Fact: Generally, this is false. Single parents, and people who have been married more than once are not denied the chance to adopt again for those reasons alone. As long as the agency feels you can be a good parent, your marital history is not a major factor. However, some countries will not allow international adoption by any single or divorced or re-married persons. If adopting internationally, ask your agency for a list of countries that do not practice this type of global discrimination.