Adoption and the Holidays

This week, as we begin to celebrate being family and being thankful for life’s blessings, some of you may have questions about how to handle the holidays during or after an adoption. One expert shares her wisdom and offers answers for those difficult questions when it comes to what to do:

From Thanksgiving to the end of the year, everyone’s focus is on family. Even TV commercials show happy families celebrating the holidays together. As a result, this season can be painful for birthparents, especially if their contact with their children is minimal. And parents in open adoptions deliberate over what and how much to share with them. Will detailed information be painful—or reassuring—to the birthmother?

What you should keep in mind is that your son’s birthmother is a relative. You don’t have to love her, and she doesn’t have to be your best friend (as with some of your other relatives!)—but you should think of her as an extended family member. This is what open adoption is about. Knowing that he’s happy will help your son’s birthmother continue to feel good about the difficult decision she made eight years ago. And the holiday season is an especially important time to let her know you are thinking about her.

What to share

How can you let your son’s birthmother know she’s in your thoughts? The type of contact will depend on the relationship you have maintained over the years. If you have been in regular contact, whether by mail, phone, or visits with the family, your son’s birthmother will expect a detailed update or a get-together. If your contact has been more limited, I’m sure she’ll appreciate a letter and a photo.

Your son’s birthmother will enjoy hearing the details about his life—who he is at eight years old—his personality, his interests, his accomplishments. Parents might worry that details would be painful or would make the birthmother regret that she placed her child for adoption.

The reality is that the adoption plan was made out of love. She chose not to parent him, but she will always love him. So go ahead and tell her about the wonderful things your child does—that your son won the spelling bee at his school last year, for example, or that he’s learning to play the guitar.

You might ask your son what he’d like to share in a holiday letter to his birthmother. At his age, many children write their own letters to be enclosed in the holiday cards sent to the birth family. Or your son may want to draw a picture to send with your letter. By including him in this project, you gain an opportunity to talk with him again about his adoption story. You can remind him of the permanence of your family, as well as the love of his birthmother.

A 10-year-old I know, David, doesn’t visit with his birthmother, but he enjoys writing his own letter to her at holiday time. This year he talked about his accomplishments on the soccer field, and he asked her what her favorite sport is.

Many families also exchange gifts with their children’s birthparents at holiday time—as they do with other family members. If you have a close relationship with the birth family, consider a gift exchange. To children your son’s age, a gift from a birthparent is concrete evidence of her love; it attests to the fact that she thinks of him often.

Katie, an eight-year-old child I know, loves the teddy bear her birthmother gave her last Christmas. The bear sits on Katie’s bookshelf, and she tells visitors that it is from her birthmother, Susie. If you wanted to send a gift to your son’s birthmother, she’d surely cherish a framed photograph of him.

Whatever level of communication you have with your son’s birthmother, the holidays provide a wonderful opportunity to talk with your child about family and about all the people in his life who love him.

Kathleen Silber is the associate executive director of the Independent Adoption Center in Pleasant Hill, California, and coauthor of Dear Birthmother and Children of Open Adoption (Corona).

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As we are approaching Thanksgiving, let us remember to give thanks to the  birth  parents. Those who made the  though choice to give  birth  and then to  place.  To always remember that adoption is a choice.  To remember the birth parents with love in our hearts, for they made the kinder selfless choice.

Is Abortion Better?

As a pregnant teen, you may feel overwhelmed with all of the information that you’re getting on what your options are. Obviously, adoption and parenting are things to think about, but it seems that a lot of young girls turn to the other option when faced with unplanned pregnancy - abortion.

Abortion is the process by which a newly conceived fetus is euthanized and removed from the mother’s womb. Pro Life activists refer to this fetus as a life, while Pro Choice activists call it a product of conception. Either way you look at it, abortion can have long lasting, potentially harmful, effects on a woman’s mind and, in some cases, her body. One woman recently shared her story with me. She is now in her 30s with children, but at one time, she was 16 and pregnant. She chose abortion.

“I was sixteen years old, invincible, and in love with a guy named Mike, who made me feel like I was the most important thing in his life. I wasn’t a bad kid, really, but I had been skipping school some to spend the day with him, he was a few years older and had already graduated. We were together for about 4 months when I found out that I was pregnant. He was set to go off to boot camp for the Marines soon and I still had two years of high school to go. I went to the local health department where they did a pregnancy test, and confirmed what I already knew. He was shocked, to say the least, and our relationship immediately began to unravel. I have often wondered, had he been more supportive, would I have made a different choice? I felt very alone, and almost as if I were the only one to blame, despite the fact that he had just as much responsibility in it as I did. He began ignoring my phone calls, stopped coming over, and even when I saw him out in public with friends, he didn’t talk to me. I was an outcast, abandoned by the boy I loved and who I thought had loved me. I think he even started to see someone else. My parents had divorced recently and while I did tell my mom about the pregnancy, I never did tell my father. My mom was really great about the whole thing, though she did make me say the words out loud long after she figured out what was going on in the midst of my uncontrollable sobbing. She said she’d support whatever decision I made, but did express her opinion that motherhood might not be the best option for me at such a young age. After a couple of weeks, I made the decision to end the pregnancy. I wish I hadn’t.”

As a young, pregnant teen, sometimes there is the assumption that abortion will solve the problem and life will resume normally, but that’s not always the case.

“My boyfriend, though he could scarcely be called that by that point, had agreed to pay for the abortion and when he brought the money over, I had my best friend take it from him while I hid in the other room. I couldn’t even bear to look at him, after the cold way that he had treated me the past few weeks. My mom and I left very early one morning and headed to Atlanta for my appointment at the clinic. My mom’s car, which had never given her any trouble, broke down on the way there and for the 100th time, I questioned my decision. We got towed to the shop and my appointment was rescheduled for the next week. I had time to change my mind, but I didn’t. I felt as if I were helplessly being propelled forward on autopilot. The next week, the car didn’t break down and I went through with the procedure. I don’t think that I even really knew what I had done. I just knew I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I was lucky that the abortion didn’t leave any lasting damage, as can sometimes happen, and I did go on to have children later in life. Becoming a mom really made me aware of what I had done and even though it has been almost 20 years, I still think about it often and I am aware each year when Fall comes around that I would have given birth at that time. I wish I could go back and tell that young, frightened girl that it’s okay to not be ready for parenthood, but it doesn’t mean you have to end a life. I wish I could tell her to choose adoption. I wish there had been more information available to her about adoption and that someone would’ve told her she could choose open adoption and not have to miss out on her child’s life. All I can do now is encourage other young girls in the same situation to really consider adoption as the answer and save them the heartache that eventually comes when you make the choice to end a life.”

Adoption is an option that you can feel good about. These days, adoption is accepted as a good choice and the right thing to do. Only you can decide what is right for you, but don’t forget to choose what is right for your baby, too.

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I'm Pregnant: What Should I do Now?

Discovering you’re pregnant as a teen can be a really frightening experience. Take a deep breath and know that you’re not alone. Right this very minute, there are girls just like you in Atlanta, Denver, Los Angeles, and Dallas who are most likely asking themselves the same questions you’re asking yourself now. The most important question is probably, “Now that I’m pregnant, what should I do?”

You may have thoughts, as many pregnant teens do, of keeping your baby. You have this idea in your head that you, your boyfriend, and the baby will live happily ever after. Unfortunately, that isn’t a realistic scenario. The majority of teen boys who father babies, don’t maintain an active role in the child’s life and can’t provide much financial support, if any. In some cases, the stress of an unplanned pregnancy is enough to cause a breakup.

According to chicagohealth77.org., teen mothers have less education, have poor health, and more likely to rely on public assistance. Only about 50% of teen mothers receive a high school diploma by age 22, compare with 90% of girls who do not give birth during adolescence. Births to teenagers are at much higher risk for low both and preterm labor, as well as death in infancy, compared to babies born to women in their 20’s and older.

These are some pretty bleak statistics and ones that should make you think about what the best option might be for you and your baby. Teen motherhood is not something to be taken lightly. There is a lot to consider and one of those options is adoption. Adoption can provide you with a solution that will give your child the life you wish you could provide, but know you can’t. Adoption can even offer you the opportunity to stay in contact with your child and see him or her grow up and have the happy life you chose for your baby.

It’s a confusing time and there are probably a lot of people telling you what you should do. Your parents, the baby’s father, your friends, and everyone else all have an idea of what your next steps should be. Don’t be pressured. Let us help you explore adoption and the many wonderful ways it can be the best solution in the case of your unplanned pregnancy. Your baby deserves the best chance possible at the best life possible. You do, too. Teen pregnancy and single parenting doesn’t have to be your future.

We can help you decide if adoption is the right choice for you. We’re here to answer all of your questions and assist you in coming up with a plan to place your baby with a loving family who will honor you as the birth mother and give your child the life you wish you could.

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Why Adoption?

Why do people choose to adopt? There are various reasons and the majority of them are listed here.

• They are the 1 in 8 couples who cannot get pregnant due to infertility
• They have medical reasons why it would not be safe to carry a child through pregnancy
• They are single and would love to be a parent
• They are a gay or lesbian couple who need adoption to become parents
• They have always loved adoption and prefer it as the way to start or expand their family

Whatever the reason for choosing to adopt, an unplanned pregnancy can be the answer for any one of these and doesn’t have to be viewed as a mistake or something to be terminated. Instead of looking at an unplanned pregnancy as the end of something (your freedom, your education, your goals, a life), look at it as the beginning of something. You can choose to be responsible for giving another person, or couple, the family they have always longed for. The heartache and hopelessness that is felt by these individuals for not being able to create a life is no different than what you may be feeling because you did. You created the life, now it’s time to choose the right family to provide for it. Having an unfulfilled education or not being financially stable doesn’t make you a bad mom. On the contrary, realizing the needs of your child and choosing to provide those to him or her through adoption makes you an amazing mom.

Only those who have chosen adoption, or adopted, can truly understand the amount of love that is involved. That love is made even stronger by the sacrifice, the longing, the emotion, the trust, the bonds that are created, and all of the ingredients that go into this unique recipe for a family. Placing your child for adoption with loving, stable, financially sound parents is a precious gift that only you can give -  not only for the family, but for the child.

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Why Do I Need an Adoption Attorney?

An adoption attorney is one of the most important people you will meet when going through the adoption process. The process is long and, for someone who has never been through it, can seem complicated at times. Adoption is a big decision, for birth parents and adoptive parents, and it helps to have the knowledge and compassion of a professional who specializes in it. You’re going to have questions - lots of them. Your adoption attorney is there to answer them and set your mind at ease.

The adoption attorney will begin the process by the filing the initial paperwork needed to get started and see it through until the placement is completed. He or she will have a clear understanding of your state’s laws on adoption and can explain them to you in layman’s terms so there is no confusion about what your rights are. Your attorney will be present at any and all proceedings that take place during the adoption process and guide you step by step the entire way. Adoption is an emotional experience and having someone on your side to keep you informed and offer advice is a welcome presence.

When choosing an adoption attorney, be sure that you feel comfortable with him or her. Trust your instincts and take the time to do some research on that person’s qualifications. It is extremely important that you feel confident your attorney understands what you want. Whether you are choosing an open or closed adoption, private or through an agency, your attorney should always respect your choices and listen with the intent to be helpful. If, at any point, you feel you are being pressured to do things differently than you planned, speak up and make your intentions clear. Your adoption attorney is there for you. The right attorney understands the difficult choice you have made and maintains a professional disposition.

Adoption is a beautiful choice, but not always an easy one. The benefits of having an expert with your best interests in mind at your side throughout the process are immeasurable. If adoption is something you’re considering and you have questions, rest assured that an adoption attorney can answer them for you. You don’t have to feel alone in this decision; with an attorney there to guide you, you’re not.

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Open Adoption

Adoption has come a long way in the past few decades. Gone are the days when a young woman would give birth without ever laying eyes on her baby and never know anything about where he went after leaving the room in the arms of a swiftly walking nurse. Today, a birth mother has so many options when it comes to choosing adoption.

Open adoption experienced a burst of popularity in the early 90’s and continues to be favored for many reasons today. Open adoption allows the birth mother to retain some connection with her child while still ensuring that he has the best life possible. While there are varying degrees of contact, and these must be agreed upon by the adoptive parents, an open adoption can make it possible for the birth parents to receive photos, updates, and even visits with the child. Certainly, being able to see the stability and happiness that you have provided by trusting your child to a loving family makes it clear that you made the right choice.

Since open adoption focuses on interaction between the birth mother and the adoptive parents, the birth parents are offered the opportunity to choose the couple that will raise their child. Portfolios of families who are all waiting for a child to love are looked through carefully, studied, and narrowed down to just a few. Then, there is normally a meeting arranged so the future parents can all meet and a final decision can be made. If geographically possible, the chosen adoptive parents can participate in doctor visits, ultrasounds, and eventually the birth of their soon to be child. This helps create a bond and a sense of trust between the parents and the birth mother. Often times, the adoptive mother will be present at the delivery and the first to hold the child. In an open adoption, the birth mother has no reason to feel as if she will never see her son or daughter again and this gesture is a beautiful way to put the adoptive parents’ minds at ease.

In addition to maintaining contact with your child, open adoption also makes it possible to provide medical history, genealogy, and family updates so your child never has to wonder where he came from. This can prove to be invaluable if ever faced with a medical emergency or questions about his birth family arise.

These days, non traditional families are the norm and open adoption is just one of the amazing ways some of those families are formed. If you’re pregnant, and scared, adoption can offer you  hope and a solution that will allow you the best of both worlds - a life where you can know your child and still follow your dreams.

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I had lunch Sunday with an old birthmother. Not old in years but 26 years ago she placed a baby boy with my help with a loving family here in Los Angeles. She came back to Los Angeles because the adopting mother had passed away and she attended the memorial. We talked about how the adopting parents had helped to redirect her life. She talked about how she never look back with regret but only thought about how this little boy would grow up and have the possibility of a better and greater life then she could've provided him at the time.  She had an open adoption, and kept in touch with the adopting parents and this little boy throughout his 26 years.

I felt honored that she called me to see if I would be willing to meet with her. I jumped at the chance. I'm so glad that I did and had a chance to hug this beautiful selfless woman again after all  these years.

Pregnant? Adoption is an Option

For some women, seeing the plus sign on the little white stick isn’t a joyful moment. Instead, it is a moment where you find yourself consumed with fear, worry, and panic.  You’re pregnant. You didn’t mean for it to happen, yet the proof is right there in your hand. You begin to think about all of the ways this is going to affect your life and how you could ever possibly manage being a parent. Will you finish school? Can you afford to have a baby? What is the father going to say?  

According to the website www.dosomething.org, more than half of teen mothers never graduate from high school and less than 2% of teen moms earn a college degree by age 30. This is most likely due to the fact that it takes a considerable amount of money to raise a child, so these young moms must forfeit their education and maintain full time employment instead. Unfortunately, without an education, the earning potential for these young girls is not going to be nearly enough to meet the needs of a newborn. A simple package of diapers averages about $18 and a new baby will go through ten to twelve of those in a day. Many times, teen moms find themselves forced to rely on government assistance for health care, groceries, and even housing. CNN recently reported that it will cost a middle class couple $241, 080 to raise a child born in 2012 for eighteen years. That amount does not include the cost of college. Sadly, most teen moms find themselves alone with little or no support from the baby’s father.   

Unplanned pregnancy doesn’t have to be a hopeless situation; there is a way to be a wonderful parent without having to go through the struggle of trying to make ends meet and giving up on your goals. Adoption provides you with a solution that not only enables your child to have the best life possible, but for you to have your best life, as well. With adoption, you can be certain that he/she will never go without, will never feel like a burden to you, and will be loved unconditionally by parents who have longed for, even prayed for, the very child that you have entrusted to them.   

There is sometimes a misconception that allowing someone to adopt your child is selfish and you only did it so your life wouldn’t be disrupted. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. The love that it takes to realize you aren’t able to provide for another life at this time is immeasurable, the strength is takes is admirable, but the future that it provides for everyone involved is what makes adoption the best thing that you could ever do when faced with an unplanned pregnancy.

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The Congressional Coalition  on Adoption Institute has some very interesting articles that relate to adoption. Go to their website www.ccainstitute.org for information and research on the adoption tax credit as well as the Coalition's response to the rehoming article from Reuters.

For those readers of  blog who might be more interested in surrogacy. There's some recent developments from the Indian Ministry of Home Affairs. Those foreign nationals seeking to enter India for the purposes of commissioning an Indian surrogate must now apply for a medical visa in order to do so.  Also, only heterosexual couples who been married for two years are eligible to receive a medical visa.

The 2014 Adoption Expense Tax Credit is $13,190. This is the allowed credit for a child with special needs. As to private or agency adoptions the qualified expenses is up to $13,190. Remember it is  a downward scale based upon income. I recommend you discuss the adoption tax credit with a tax expert before you prepare your taxes, to be sure you are entitled to the credit claimed.

November is Adoption Awareness Month. If you haven't already tuned into The Today Show you should.  This morning they finalized 12 families live on air.  An adoption finalization is a beautiful moment for everyone. Thank you Today.